I am continuing to purge my things while I wait for the dumpster to get here later in the week. I am going through things with an ever finer comb and re-evaluating what we need to get down to what will fit perfectly well with some extra space in our home. This process has been truly hard for me as I get down to the end of it. I am coming across things I had assumed were lost forever, and things I had either forgotten about or never knew I had. I am coming across things that hold lots of memories for me, but no real use.
I am really loving the space, and am ever amazed at how much was actually in our little two bedroom trailer. But the pain at going through those old memories and attachments is really hard. I find myself remember with purpose, that I have lived for months at a time, comfortably, out of a backpack. I need very little. I find myself questioning whether to hang onto old baby clothes, and how many, and what. I may or may not have a baby in the future. I find myself coming across my daughter’s things, and have also found I do not have some of what I did when I moved out, many of her pictures and things are gone without a trace, so far as I can tell. But then I ask, how important is it to have fifty million so-so shots of her? Why don’t I just keep the very best? After all, I have a nice little scrapbook I made of our time together, and I do still see her…but what good is it to cling so tightly to the past? Shouldn’t I begin to let go? After all, she is no longer truly mine. She is healthy and happy and has a good family that is not me. I am her mom, but not really anymore. I don’t know. I am really struggling with what happened when she was a baby. I am struggling with losing her things when she was little. But really, I am struggling with losing her.
I know in my heart that the past is nothing. Today is what it’s about. Today, I have two little boys who are not really babies, but not yet little kids. Today, I am a mom who is married but living alone. Today, I have a blood bond with a little girl I don’t even know, and a tie with a family that doesn’t know me. Today, I am forgiven by my Lord and promised that He is always here for me, supporting me and loving me and guiding me towards the plans He has prepared for me…that I do not yet know.
Today, I can do my best and let go of the past that hurts so bad. So much of my past hurts so bad and I had no idea how strongly this was going to come out when I began letting go of my things. I had no idea how strongly my emotions were tied to the things I have and how symbolic they are of my past. I had no idea how important that pain is to me…how much I dwell on my things. But when I pull another huge mountain into my living room and and begin to separate it and bag what will be thrown out, I find emotions sweeping my being, consuming my thoughts. I find myself short with my kids or sitting on the computer or watching tv or eating mindlessly or touching my fabric. Eventually, I put the mountain into my room and sleep on the couch to forget about it for a night with good intentions to get back to it the next day…but sometimes it is days before I drag it back out and begin going through it.
I am not sure where this will all go in the end. I know I will work through this and get my goal managed. I know it needs to happen and I know I WANT it to happen, and I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But I am not certain how long it will take total. I hope it will be done by the time the dumpster gets here. I hope that things will be done.
Anyways, that is how I am feeling tonight.